Funny thing about Brides-to-Be: A Comparison of On and Offline Sposas

Online, everyone loves each other and is happy to share their triumphs and flaws and eager to boost the other with compliments. In a store or bridal shop, it's cut throat, who looks better, I want that and rich bitch.

Brides use funny abbreviations online. BM = bridesmaid. Fi = fiance. DH = dear husband. DOC = day of coordinator. In the real world, BM = taking a sh*t. Fi = how much you have to pay. DH = first two letters of a delivery service. DOC = ahhh, what's up Doc?

Things are peachy and rosy. Brown and pink is the perfect color combo. Your photographer is the best and you tell everyone about her. Your wedding reception gave you the best deal. All online. In reality, things are stressful and your in-laws are annoying. You hate brown and pink makes you cringe. Your photographer is ripping you off and your hall is no better at $150 a head without a Viennese table or valet parking.

Online, you're open and honest. Everyone knows what's in your savings, how great your fiance is in bed, what you will wear on your wedding night, what your b-pics look like, and how you sabotaged your future sister in law by putting her in a dress that makes her hips look bigger than yours. Of course, in real life, you'd think someone was rude for asking you how much everything costs, you hide your assets, no one knows what goes on between the sheets, and you tell your future sis that she looks amazing in clingy silk fuscia.

Oh... how great wedding planning online makes us feel!

13 Months

So, the other night I was on my usual wedding websites and I saw a girl who is about nineteen months from her wedding day and I thought, 'Wow, this girl has tons of time!'And then I realized that it was us back in March who were 19 months out and now we've hit lucky number 13! Excitedly, I looked at the countdown on my phone and saw that we're also below the 400 day mark. (Yeah, I know, I should have known this by adding a year and a month but I'm not that swift. We all know this.)

At this point in my planning, I'm starting to realize what everyone told me was true. It will all fly by so quickly. I couldn't understand it then. When I would tell people I'm engaged and they'd ask me who I was using for my DJ, I'd say that I had plenty of time. Or when someone asked me about my dress, I'd say that I have at least six months until I even start looking. And I am still trying to hold off. Another ten pounds and I'm hitting the stores for real this time. I keep saying that. The first fourteen pounds made the dresses look great on me. Now, I want another ten and then we're talking dresses. But it has to be soon because now we're coming down to crunch time and I can no longer say we have time.

Well, I guess that's not totally true. Whenever I read a new bridal mag, I always see their little checklist/countdown thingy. Usually, it says that you should start booking vendors at nine months. Nine months? Are these people nuts? Even at a year, we found that some vendors were all ready booked. It's unreal how quickly people start locking up the good guys and gals.

We planned early. Thank God! We had our hall booked about three weeks after we got engaged. Our Church was actually booked before I even had the ring on my finger (yeah, we knew we wanted to get married for a long time-- probably from our first date). Over the summer, we locked up a photographer and DJ, and pretty soon, we'll send a deposit to our videographer. All that is left are the limos, florist, tuxes, girls' bridesmaid dresses, my gown, making the favors, creating the Church programs, the reception dinner menu, the seating cards, the table numbers, and possibly, our cake topper unless we find one we like that we register for. Oh, and also, we need to decide where we will have our rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. Then, we have to register and also, buy the rings. Okay, so, maybe I'm really not that far ahead after all.

It's scary and all so real and true now. But I can't say that I am stressed. I love this time in my life. I like the planning. I like hoping that I'll hit the lotto. I'm glad that I finally have a reason to lose weight. I get kicks from seeing how much is in my savings account. But most of all, I love when I send my fiance a message that we're so many odd days out and he corrects me. That goes to show that he's just as excited as me-- and also counting down the days til we're Mr. and Mrs. V!

Fried Oreos and Wo-Hop

It's always about food! Why is it always about food? No matter where we are or what we are doing, the conversation somehow becomes dietary based and often, our diets go downhill from there. Why do we torture ourselves? We spend hours and hours going over our menu for a day on which we probably won't eat and that we are basically starving ourselves for a year for in order to look good. Sorry, long sentence, but you get the point!

If I had the money, one of the things I'd add to my wedding is a feast stand outside my reception hall. Yes, I said it! I want a mini feast. Not a feast like a big meal, but like a traditional Italian fair or festival. To me, that would be the 18th Avenue feast in Brooklyn, but I'm sure more people can relate to the San Gennaro Feast in Little Italy. I want a sausage and peppers cart, a fried oreo and zeopoli fryer going, and I want everyone going home with those little greasy white bags that just scream cholesterol.

If my E.l.f. (Everloving Fiance) had it his way, there would be a table with Wo-Hop dumplings during the cocktail hour. Chung, himself, would be there serving. How pathetic is it when you know the name of the guy who runs Wo-Hop! I guess that's because we're considered regulars. As a matter of fact, Chung's asked us for our wedding pics so we can be added to the Wo-Hop wall of fame. Pretty groovy is you ask me.

It's All About Me!

It's my day and it will soon be my year. Today marks 1 year, 1 month and seven days until my wedding. But that doesn't mean I have to wait a whole year and then some to make it all about me. After all, if this blog wasn't about me, then who would it be about?

What's in a name? Ok, I'm not looking to use the cliche or even ponder a pun, but I thought it would be funny to tell my bridal blunders through the voice of a Fat bride-- no, I'm not referring to my weight-- a fat bride is one that is fabulous and trying (F.A.T.). Oh yeah, and of course, I am part of that percentage of brides that can't take advantage of a sample sale, that would look like a braciole in a corset without a panel, and of course, would look more like Ursula than Ariel in a mermaid gown. But does it stop me? Not for a minute.

To be honest, I thought being fat and a future bride would really suck. I dreaded the day I'd go dress shopping only to have everyone staring at my ass because the back didn't close or have a fitter look at me and say, 'sorry, we don't sell to your kind here' because after all, being fat is like being an outcast in the world of beautiful brides. But actually, it wasn't so bad. As a matter of fact, when I finally had enough co-jones to go dress shopping, I picked a place that I had heard had samples in all sizes. In fact, there were about ten dresses that I could have tried on (even though I stuck to only six; the other four were absolutely hideous and just screamed 'tent-sized bride')and it was a good feeling when a couple of them were too big and had to be pulled tighter. Also, I realized that bridal gowns are great! They hide all my bad parts and accent my good assets. Jeez, I wish I could be a bride everyday.

And my struggling weight all these years was worth it to hear the lady who was helping me try on dresses say, "There's no reason for you girls to starvate yourself to look good on your wedding day." I love when people make up their own versions of a word!

Although I haven't found 'the one' yet, I know I will and I know that it won't have to be special made or ordered in husky size (yes, my elementary school actually had husky size jumpers for the chubbies). No, instead, my dress will be made for me, by the dress company, in my size and without any kind of strange or scary labelling. In that one day I learned that a fat bride can be an absolutely hot bride.

If you look around, you'll see that there are a lot of fat married people. Sure, many of them probably gained weight post-nuptuals but I'm sure there were some chubby chasers who took the next step as well as fatty couples who didn't forbid fried foods during the engagement. I'm sure there are guys who got down on one knee and couldn't get back up. For some men, it's easier to tie the knot than it is to tie their shoes-- and if that is the case, then why can't fat girls be fat brides?

Throughout the next year, I vow to provide other Fabulous and Trying brides with tips and advice as well as laughs and smirks through my embarrassing moments as well as my personal triumphs. Nothing will remain a secret nor will anything be too telling to reveal. So my girls, and guys, if you choose, stay posted because you are guaranteed to enjoy this.